I Still Feel Like Crap
People saying “this will make you feel better” right after I’ve told them some awful situation that I’ve been dealing with never, EVER makes me feel better. It doesn’t matter if I’m complaining about a head cold or explaining how I lost a limb in a bocce game gone bad; whatever the person says never makes me feel any different about my situation. Saying “this will make you feel better” is also proof that people HAVE to top each other in everything — even tragedy. We’re such a competitive society. It’s really sick.
It would be kind of sadistic to take pleasure in the fact that another human suffered a worse event in life. As if them suffering at the same time is somehow going to lift my spirits. “You had the flu? Well, this will make you feel better. My penis fell off. Last night. In the shower. One swipe with a loofah and PLOP, right down and into the drain.”
Jesus. Here I am complaining about the flu and this poor bastard has no penis. Still, I don’t feel better. In fact, I feel worse, because now I know it’s 100% possible to wash my dick off. Now I’m stressing over that information and hoping I’ve really only got the flu and not the start of the ‘penis falling off’ pandemic.
“Wait, the first symptom was a scratchy throat? I think my penis is gonna fall off!”
It’s uncomfortable running into people from college, especially the ones you can only remember by their nicknames. It’s also hard to remember if the nickname was derogatory or complimentary. It might not even be a nickname they were aware of.
“Hey Sugar Nips! How the hell are you?”
Sugar Nips was a name only a few of us knew about, but I didn’t remember this until all expression of the happiness of seeing an old friend washed off his face.
Now comes the decision to either pretend it never happened and make small talk or address the 300-pound gorilla in the room. So I explained the best I could remember.
“Oh, that was a nickname this girl I was friends with gave you because you hooked up once and she said you had nipples as big and white as a powdered donut. So she and her friends called you Sugar Nips. That probably makes this whole interaction even more uncomfortable.”
After a moment of silence, Sugar Nips just walked away. It was probably the most uncomfortable moment in my life. I hope I never run into that guy again.
Actually, I do, because I think he married another girl I was friends with, and I’ve been wondering how the Dong Hunter was doing.